Dreading today.

really really really not looking forward to today. Im not enjoying this training course in the slightest. When I started they gave me the impression it was going to be training with the call centre equipment and actual experience in the call centre - instead Im getting perhaps an hour or two a day in the actual call centre parts of the building. The rest is all 'teambuilding' games like turning your CV into a tv advert or rap song - hideously painful experiences for me. For some reasonthey seem to be under the impression this kind of stuff is confidence building. Can't imagine where they get that idea from. Its mostly making me hate myself, everyone around me and dread any future job interviews. If they would just take no for an answer when I'm not comfortable doing something it would mean a lot. Instead when I'm saying no, I dont feel comfortable with this, I'm not doing it, I really dont want to have to do this etc they just talk over me saying I am doing this, I have to do it etc. Been too stressed to sleep tonight - really dont want to have to get up and go to this. I certainly can't face 5 weeks of this.

Never Rent From On The Move.

Horrible day - and it didnt have to be! I phoned the letting agent today to ask them why they had not told the landlord what was happening at my building and to check that he had spoken to them. They told me that they had kept him fully informed at all times and that he spoke to the office daily. Obviously contradicting what the landlord himself had told me. They tell me that the only complaints they have received about the property have been from me - they accused me of exagerrating what was happening (how you exaggerate a broken window I can't imagine!) and all but accused me of lying. When I finally get hold of the landlord this afternoon he is singing a very different tune to the one he was on Sunday. This time he claims to have been kept out of the loop by his own request and is backing up the letting agents opinion that I'm hysterical. They both claim not to have been aware of any complaints by anyone other than me. This makes no sense as the woman in the house next door has told me she has been in contact with them and I gave her their contact details myself. The first noise complaint wasnt made by me but by another person in the building and I only knew about it when I was called to confirm it. The worst part for me was finding out from the landlord that the letting agents have automatically disregarded all complaints made by me because I was on their case about the internet access when I first moved in. I can't wait to move - I'l be well out of this madness. I do feel bad for the other neighbours on the street - the woman next door seemed so exasperated when she came round last week. Theyr going to be stuck with this for a while. All I can say is - never rent from On The Move.
Just had the third day of the contact centre training course. Had a bit of a wierd atmosphere today. Theres one guy on the course who has made a bit of show of being friendly with everyone, asking about their family, their kids etc. Except me - he barely acknowledges me. It was especially awakward today as there were 3 times we were split up into groups and each time we were in the same group. When he spoke to me he barely looked at me, at lunch I stayed in cos I was waiting for phone calls and we were left alone in the room together - at no point did he make any effort to speak to me, when the others came in he suddenly perks up and is mister chatty again but with me he's practically mute.

Too tired and annoyed to title.

Started my contact centre training course this week - feel naked without my jeans but im adapting. Got to wear standard office wear you see - I'v spent like £150 on new clothes. Viewed a flat in Paisley - it was so cute I wanted to adopt it but it needs some work done, theres some doors hanging off hinges, the white goods look a bit dingy (grey goods), the carpets are mostly pieces stuck together roughly and everything needs a good clean. Its very close to UWS (I can see it out the kitchen window) and the train station. I actually think its quicker to get to Glasgow Central from Paisley by train than it is from Pollockshields by bus. Landlord might be willing to negotiate on price so it might turn out to be ok. I am a bit worried that its on the 3rd or 4th floor (too many stairs - lost count) considering what I'm like. Theyr proper concrete stairs that would do quite a bit of damage when I fall as well. Heres something interesting - the landlord was round on sunday to fix a water leakage problem with my shower and i mentioned to him why I was so keen to move out. Turns out the letting agents have breathed a word of the problems with the dickhead next door. They hadnt told him about the smashed window, the police being called etc. Poor guy was pretty shocked when I told him. As theres still wine stains in the hallway and glass in the garden theres still proof there for him to see. As this is now Tuesday I would have thought the letting agent would have given me a call to clear things up and explain why they hadnt told the landlord what was going on - suppose a little professionalism is just too much to expect. Had to call them tnoght - came home and the heating isnt switched on and theres no hot water. The heating system is always a bit temperemental but its unusual not to have hot water. Left them a message which I'm sure they will ignore tomorrow. Will probably phone them again in the morning anyway - that guy next door has left his cd player on and its just repeating one song over and over. Im not sure what song it is - its too quiet to hear the words but its beginning to drive me a little crazy.

On being interviewed by a pirate.

Went to the interview for the call centre training course today. Lovely building - B listed apparently. Big marble stairs, black and white tiles, arched windows. As its halloween tomorrow the guy interviewing me was dressed as a pirate which amused me no end. Did get horribly lost though - either the map was backwards or I'm seeing the world slightly upside down. I feel like I should do something for halloween - but I can' find anything in this city that I really want to do. Boring club nights, movie nights of the movies I'v already seen. Guess Glasgow isn't a scary kind of city :(. Been getting endless phone calls from people offering me credit card or loan applications. I seem to have ended up on some list - means I'm now answering the phone with 'What?!' so heres hoping I dont get any calls from anyone wanting to interview me for a job until I'v chilled out a bit. Otherwise I'l scare them. Which reminds me - I really need to cut down on my caffiene and sugar intake! People are beginning to think I'm cheerful, talkative with a sunny personality. I'm scared!

My feet hurt!

Just had a very nice day - had to go out for a meeting with the regeneration agency which took me in the general area of the Burrell Collection. Since I had nothing better to do today I took a wander down there, sneezed my way through the trees til i found it. huge place - took one of the guided tours for about an hour and a half and i think iv seen about a third of the place. Dont know when I'l go back but I'm going to try to soon. I can see all the exhibits but can't read the tiny descriptions next to them - which is why I took the tour. Loved some of the items there - the tapestries are amazing, the rooms which have been moved, every piece, from a castle to the gallery are amazing. All dark oak and amazing carvings, rich red and green soft furnishings. I wish I could live in those rooms. Theres a small egyptian collection there in an area which looks a lot like the Cullens house in Twilight! One disandvantage of that is that there were foxes and, my mortal enemy, the squirrel everywhere. I kept imagining them tapping on the glass to get in, then hundreds of them tapping until the glass broke and they swarmed in. Its not as crazy as it sounds! As usual I got VERY lost on the way home - ended up wandering in the opposite direction for about a half mile. Got an interview tomorrow for a call centre training course - just a 7 week training course for a job I dont really want to do which sounds horribly depressing but it might be kind of fun. Id get to use Zoomtext - which is software that I have been dying to try out - it would be so much better than my current crappy split screen magnifier. I also have a 'training session' (which I guess means interview) for a part time call centre position on Tuesday and I'm looking at new flats on Monday. Rather busy time ahead. I am slightly apprehensive of this weekend though - after the last weekend I am slightly tempted to barricade myself in the flat.

6 weeks til tenancy agreement ends :)

Horrible weekend because of the dick next door. His friends were round again and caused havoc. Nearly dialled 999 again when they were banging and kicking my door. They were thumping on the walls and yelling insults at me cos I wouldnt open my door to them, throwing what sounded like bottles against the wall to smash them. The stairs and the door of the ground floor flat are splashed with what I hope is red wine. Again Iv called the letting agent and theyv promised to talk to him. Fine - they can hold a whole conversation with him, Iv got viewings for 3 flats set up for next week. All within my budget and with washing machines - and hopefully minus that twat. I hate moving - I hate trying to figure out the finances of it and getting a moving van.

Dont worry - theres a bullet point summary at the end. you dont have to read it all!

Today was supposed to be so simple – all I was going to do was go to one little meeting and then go home. I should never be allowed to do anything on impulse! Went into Glasgow early and had lunch at Queen Street Station watching the people and the pigeons – the pigeons were more interesting. I was just beginning to get annoyed at the crazed flying fleabags when I noticed a few of them were missing toes or a foot each. One of them seemed to be missing both feet – just little lumps on the end of its legs, balancing with its wings when it had to stand or walk. Poor little things. Took a taxi out to where my meeting was in Partick at a centre for sensory impairment. First a guy who was on Big Brother year before last walked past me – he works at the radio station that broadcasts from the same building. I think his name was Micheal? He was the blind guy who liked slightly crazy clothes – today he was wearing a jacket in some kind of yellow leopard skin style print. Anyway – after the meeting I decided to try and walk back to the city centre rather than pay another £6 for a taxi. Big mistake! I was sure I was walking back the way the taxi had come but then it started bucketing rain, I got soaked head to toe by a bus and took refuge in a costa coffee. I saw a sign for Kelvingrove Gallery so thought 'while i'm in the area' and started walking the way the sign was pointing – only I ended up at the Huntarian Gallery instead. Had a fun couple of hours there – though they shoot whoever did the lighting on the ground floor level – all I could see in most of the pictures was the reflections of the extra bright spotlights. Up the stairs was a very nice collection of engravings and sketches. I was the only visitor in that area and it was so nice I could have moved in and lived there forever. I left there and saw another sign for the Kelvingrove Gallery so I walked through all the students leaving class and staring at me (I dont look THAT strange!) and walked to the Kelvingrove Gallery which was just closing. From there I tried to figure out how to get back to the city centre and get a bus home. Im not really sure what happened after that – I got pretty lost and ultimately ended up in Maryhill. Which should be about 2 miles apart but because I went in the closest thing you can get to a circle when your walking round a city modelled on a grid pattern (square? Hexagon?) I must have walked around twice that. I was certainly walking for nearly 3 hours. Finally got a taxi home from a Tesco I happened upon. So. in summary - I saw someone off the tv I got soaked to the skin by the rain and a bus I got very lost and walked for miles around parts of the city that iv never seen and never really intended to see. It cost me £11 taxi fare to get home from where I ended up :(

Stalkers, Graveyards and Job hunting

The last few days I'v been getting some weird calls and texts from people asking whose number this is, is this really Lloyd etc. Couldnt figure it out til one of the callers told me they had seen my number on a bebo profile where it was claimed it was the number of an x factor contestant called Lloyd Daniels. Finally tracked down the profile responsible only to realize it was a guy I went to college with hiding behind a fake profile. This is the same guy who was thrown out of college for drunkeness, claiming to have slept with members of staff etc. He also claimed to have slept with half the guys at the college and nearly made me homeless over christmas and he tried to organise some sort of campaign against me at college when we were supposed to be friends. He has a whole network of fake bebo profiles of people he claims are friends, exes, cousins of his – last night I reported every fake profile I know about to bebo as well as the profile that posted my phone number. Contacted the police who cant really do anything at the moment – hes on the brink of a breach of the peace so if he continues I can probably get something done about him but today he can consider himself on his last warning. Don't know why my life seems to attract such odd people. Sitting here watching the news coverage of the Stephen Gately funeral. It's so sad. When I was a kid I was so into him. I had posters of him and thought he had pretty eyes! Feels like a little bit of a innocent time is gone. Last night I saw the most awful article on his death. A restaurant critic called Jan Moir wrote an article hinting that rather than an undiagnosed heart condition it was actually the fact he was a gay man in a civil partnership that killed him. She claimed that healthy men in their 30s don't just go to sleep and never wake up. The Daily Mail was flooded with about 800 comments from people complaining about how offensive the article was and upset people who had lost family and friends through similar circumstances of sudden adult death syndrome. Apparently somany complaints have been filed with PCC that it crashed their website. Doesn't look like the people who should be dealing with it are taking the outcry seriously though. Both Jan Moir and a spokesperson for the PCC have claimed it was part of an orchestrated campaign against her rather than a spontaneous demonstration of disgust by each and every person who has complained. Still looking for a job – got a meeting on Monday with someone to look over my CV and talk about what jobs I can do. Its really hard to get a straight answer out of some employers on whether I can do the job they are advertising with a vision problem. I get that theyr scared of being sued for discrimination but really I just want the information! If they could publish detailed job descriptions with duties that would really help. Been filling my time mostly by being ill – basically if there is a bug or virus out there I will catch it. Spending more time in the Necropolis than I probably should but I do like it there. Gonna see if I can do some more touristy stuff this coming week – havent been to the Burrell Collection which seems daft considering how close it is and Mondays meeting is kinda near the Kelvingrove gallery so might get to see that.

The Wierdest Things Make Me Happy

Had a lovely day on friday. Was just going to go to the job centre and go home but decided it was just too nice to go home. My kind of nice I mean, light like it was early evening rather than noon. I took a bus into the city, got slightly lost finding the Necropolis, eventually found it and spent a couple hours in there. Looking at all the pretty gravestones. Most of its 19th century but cos theres whole families in there I saw stones from 2007. Some very cruel names in there too. Never name a child Christian Flaws. After some time in there I went to the St Mungo Museum of Religious Art which is right outside its gate next to the cathedral. Some interesting stuff but it was a bit small and bare. Not really sure how much of there stuff is real and how much reproductions. Then I walked back towards the river, looking in all the shop windows. Theres some interesting new age shops in that area. Ended up walking to Gorbals and finding a supermarket so I got groceries and a taxi the rest of the way home. Must have walked for miles though – certainly over 5 hours I coverde a lot of area. Think Il go back to the graveyard with a camera and see if I can be a bit more organized this time. Perhaps do some research, get guide books, decide a plan of some kind so I see everything there rather than just wonder round going 'ooh thats pretty'. Was wearing some rather daft shoes for walking. Obviously since I just when into the city on a whim I hadnt planned to wear anything suitable shoes – so there I was in thin black plimsolls. When I was paying attention I could feel the stones through them, luckily I tend to get a bit distracted by graveyards and barely noticed til I got home and realised my feet were in a bit of a state. Well worth it for such a nice day though. My other big news is that I got a ticket for Marilyn Manson on the 15th december! Can't wait! Shrieked and jumped up and down when the ticket arrived! Im gonna be downstairs standing, unlike last time where I was up in the seats to the side and wasnt allowed to stand up – this time im gonna elbow my way to the front and no big viking is gonna pick me up and put me to the side like at Nightwish! does little dance I'm gonna see Marilyn Manson!!!!!!!!!! Still not found a job – kinda worried that I dont even seem to be getting many interviews. I mean I'v been applying for jobs in Glasgow for about 6 months now and I'v only gotten two interviews, neither of which even got me into the next stage of the selection process, never mind a job! Applying for colleges to keep my sanity. Education has one more chance, if it fucks me over again I'm going to join a religion or something. Can't apply for most summer-starting courses til january so I'm tapping my fingers impatiently until then. That and watching cartoons – loving Clone High and Drawn Together. Clearly the Family Guy writers are Clone High fans too – they both have very similar Marilyn Manson jokes. It's still funny though. Animation and Marilyn Manson, throw in a pizza and you'v got heaven :)

On Being Beaten Up By Robots.

Urgh. The flat hunting is not going well. Put an ad on gumtree and the only reply iv had so far is from some guy claiming I have to use western union transfer to prove I have the money to pay rent. I think half the problem is that I dot actually WANT to move. I like my flat, I like the area but im sick of the unprofessional letting agent and the constant comings and goings from the other flats. After the whole thing on friday night and the letting agents reaction – or nonreaction – I dont really feel safe there anymore. It sucks. Hopefully there'l be more flats available in the next month or so. I know id love somewhere with a washing machine. Just didnt need this crap right now. Im totally panicking about this job interview on thursday. I had a dream last night where I got there and im sitting in a hallway with a bunch of other applicants. Cept the other appiclants are robots. When we get called in by a robot receptionist wer in a big hall with 3 judges at a table at one end. Then the robots start beating me up.

Long Boring Rant or Why I Want To Move

Urgh. I was right about bad things happening. Had nightmare weekend. The guy next door ad friends over for a drink and things got WAAAYYYY out of hand. Went from them banging on the walls to what sounded like a full blown fight, stuff smashed – including a window. Huge shouting match, they get locked out of his flat and start trying to kick in his door – taking a few hefty kicks at my door too – I dial 999 at this point. Then they get locked out of the building (they didnt realise the door would lock behind them) and stand in the street throwing stuff at the windows, shouting that theyr going to smash the cars parked there. This has now been an hour since I dialled 999 the first time so I call again. They claim a car has already been past and seen a few people milling around but nothing untoward. Obviously this car has been operating under its cloak of invisibility. Again they tell me an officer will be round when theyr free. 45 minutes later, moments after the stone throwers have finally left, at 2.30am they call me back only to comfirm that the incident is over and say someone will be round to speak to me in the morning. Actually no one comes round that morning – instead I get another phone call asking if I still want an officer to attend. Obviously I tell them how utterly useless theyv been and why would I possibly want an officer round now? I call the letting agents office – its a saturday so its not totally unreasonable to think they might be in. they are not in and the recorded message tells me to phone an emergency contact. I leave 2 messages on this 'emergency' contacts phone as no one is answering that either. When still no one has called me by monday morning I call their office again – still no one there so I leave another message. I wait a few hours and call again – finally! An human voice – or perhaps not so human. When the situation is explained the woman at the other end of the phone doesnt seem to think there is any kind of problem 'what do you want us to do?' is what she's asking. This is not in the slightest bit reassuring. Finally I get one of the genuinely human letting agents on the phone and he promises to speak to the guy next door. Only when he calls back it turns out the guy has lied, claiming he apoligized to all the neighbours. Considering I was the only other person in the house that night and the only time I havent been here is when I nipped out for milk this morning this seems like a fairly simple lie to disprove. Not that anyone at the office really seems to care. Well im not impressed – its hugely unprofessional of them to leave me in this position, im pissed off at being a resident of the only scummy house on what is a very nice street and I dont feel at all safe with this letting agency totally unwilling to back me up. Right now I have a post up on gumtree asking for info on any properties anyone might have that would suit me. The problem is I still have 3 months left on my tenancy and I have to give 2 months notice! Yeesh. Even I cant move out immediately I think the only way i'l be renewing my lease with these guys is if they either buck up their act or I suffer a bang to the head – I think we know which is more likely in this house. Such a shame - its such a nice little flat, a nice area. I really liked it here.

Dooooommmm!!!!

I'm having an excellent week – which means something is about to go horribly, earth-shatteringly wrong. This week I got my new tattoo of a phoenix. Got it down over the old scars on my left arm. It looks great – really love the shape of the wings and the orange and red colours. Got it done at a place called Bodyline in Glasgow – they had so many great designs that I wish I had a few spare bodies so I could get a bunch of different designs. Hurt quite a bit at the time but within a couple of hours the swelling was down and now its just kinda itchy. Managed to get all my paperwork sorted at the housing benefit office and theyr paying me the £600 odd they owe me next week so thats most of my credit card bill paid. My heating is working again so I'm all toasty and cosy, even better, I have a job interview next week for a customer service job. I gotta be the only person in the history of the world to get excited about a call centre phoning them! Now I'v cleaned up and done dishes I'm going to spend tonight in bed listening to slipknot what could be better? Yeah something terrible is gonna happen – I just know it.

Free Food, Ageing and Why I Should Get A Hobby.

This time next week I will be 22. Officially old. I decided a couple weeks ago that I wanted a tatoo as my present to myself. Pretty much decided on a phoenix but haven't found quite the right iage yet. Not been doing much the last week or so. Been very tired. Highlights have been getting £70 of free grocerys from Asda. They messed up by first cancelling my fortnightly grocerys, then not telling me they had cancelled, then delivering most of it. When I called them up to find out why there items missing they realized their mistake but said I could just keep what had been delivered – for free. Very cool. Food tastes all the better when you havent had to pay for it. :) Of course this being me all I can think is that I should have ordered twice as much! Saw Inglorious Basterds at the cinema. Very cool movie, lots of beautiful moments that I want to turn into posters and wallpaper my flat with. About ¾ of it was sub titled though. Amazed how much of the french I understood though. Perhaps I should try and learn it again? Half of french is just english words in a french accent – well I suppose half of english is french words in an english accent but you know what I mean. Still unemployed. Have totally given up on college for this year anyway. Anyway it looks like education is the biggest waste of time since tetris was invented so I'm just hoping I can finally find a job – for my own sanity at least. There's only so much tv I can watch before my brain starts to leak out my ears.

Well That Went Well

For some mad reason yesterday I looked up what was available in Clearing in Glasgow. I know I'm not qualified but thought 'hey maybe this close to start of term some one will be desperate to fill a place'. Saw a Bed primary teaching course at Glasgow Caledonian and emailed the contact link on the details. Was asking her if I might be qualified but when I told her the qualifications I had were gained in the east of Scotland she just tells me 'Newbattle Abbey College comes under Swap East and we would not recognise this.' Apparently my qualifications dont mean squat cos they were gained in the wrong part of Scotland. I'v had a creeping feeling over the last few months that I may have wasted an entire year of my life and I would say this confirms it. I had the most miserable year of my life at college. More unhappy than anyone could have imagined. I gave up everything I had. It may not have been much to most people but I was the closest thing I'd ever been to happy. Everything I had is gone now because I had to take some stupid chance to make my life better. I thought I could have a nice paying job, an education and a normal life. Its all gone wrong and turned out to be a nightmare. A year of my life gone and nothing to show for it. Now I'm in hundreds of pounds of debt, back to applying for cleaning jobs and admin positions that I only get considered for because I'm disabled. I can't even work in Macdonalds. I have no idea what to do. I just want to move on and forget I ever went to college. Unless someone invents a time machine and can go back a year, make sure I never hear of Newbattle Abbey. If they have make sure of it by pushing me under a bus that's fine with me.

hyper at 7am

So the last week. Well I saw the new Harry Potter – I may be slightly in love with Bellatrix Lestrange. Seriously. She is now the screensaver on my laptop. Great movie but I really coulda done without the rude people in the cinema who seemed to think they were in their own living rooms. A woman a seat away from me was taking food out of a plastic bag, noisily opening its plstic wrappers, munching, then dropping the empty packs on the floor where her feet would rustle them everytime she moved. Some people should just get a trough – it would be quieter at least. The guy a few rows behind us was pretty bad too – talked pretty much through the entire movie, people shushed him a few times but he just carried on. It was so annoying – he was far back enough I couldnt even hear what he was talking about. He could have been making some interesting observations on the books transition to the movies for all I know – but instead all I get is that annoying mumbling sound. On the way home I got a rather unexpected call from someone I hoped to never hear from again. Was so unexpected I swore, loudly, on public transport. Rather embarrasing. Got off at the next stop. The job centre sent me shopping for interview clothes this week. The deal is that they give me an allowance (£130 in this case) and a form for the shop to invoice them for the clothes and I get smart clothes for job interviews. I get a choice of shops including the ones in the Arcadia group. That group contains Burton which has a lot of clothes I love. So when the woman at the job centre asks which store im going to I say i'd like the form for Arcadia cos im going to Burton. She gets all flustered 'why there, you know its all mens clothes there?' 'usually when we do this men go to the mens shops and woman go to the womans shops' etc I explain I dont really wear womans clothes. She looks more uncomfortable. She insists I take the full list of the shops in the Arcadia group with me apparently so 'no one can say I didnt tell you about the others'. It was rather funny. I was a little worried half way through that she wasnt going to give me the forms unless I agreed to buy womans clothes but she did so im happy. And I got some stuff I actually like. Saw some jeans there I could wear too. Might order from them online (I have a feeling theyr not going to let me in the changing rooms) figure its time to lose the skate jeans. Im not 15 anymore. Sigh. Oooh. In other good things – Dominos have garlic butter as an topping option on their pizzas. There is no better pizza than no cheese, garlic butter, jalapenos, tandoori chicken, herbs and green peppers with the garlic and herb dip. I could roll in it. right now I probably smell like I have. I should probably open the windows – smells like im trying to ward off a vampire in here.

I Knew There Was Something I Meant To Do.

Yeah. I pretty much abandoned this like 6 weeks ago. Well obviously no more college HURRAH!! Got a cute little studio/bedsit place in Glasgow which I love so much I could just kiss the walls. Really skint though. Been paying rent on credit card and overdraft. Benifits still havent processed everything 6 weeks after my paperwork went in. Not having any luck finding a job - not even getting interviews for anything. Few weeks ago Macdonalds turned me down without even an interview so I'm currently sulking and applying to colleges. Applying for lots of Social Care, Social Work, Learning Support HNC's and hoping to get on some other work placement project that would train me in admin in a housing agency office. Other than that I am becoming a Neopets geek (KeyQuest addict) and eating the worlds supply of yoghurt.

The End Is Nigh!!!

Been ages since I wrote anything. Been a bit ill – anemia it turns out – though I didnt now I was actually ill, just tired and on a different planet. Spent a lot of time asleep and falling asleep when I should have been in class. Not that im quite well yet. Im just days from finishing this course and getting out of Newbattle – not since my 16th when I moved out of mums place have I ever been so happy to see the back of a place. Got a studio flat in Glasgow and im looking for cleaning jobs, did apply for a temp housing officer job but didnt make the shortlist. Be so glad to get out of here – to have my own bathroom, cook for myself (though its very rare that I eat in the canteen) to not have to put up with the crap that goes on here. The kinda stuff that makes me nostalgic for Inverness all over again – murders, insane neighbours and all. Saturday night here everything kicked off – violence, threats to kill - the works. So someone else here has been thrown out. Bit of a shock to some people but not to me. After that guy got aggressive with me back in sep/oct and his nasty sense of humour – accusing me of cheating on friday being a special memory – I wont exactly miss him. Someone else I could do without is the college janitor – 2 days in a row now he's yelled at me for something that isnt my fault. His last rant at me ended with 'forget it – your only here for another week' even when hes not yelling he talks to me like im scum. Its gotten to the point where theres no way im gonna be alone in a room with him. He actually scares me. Something kind of funny happened though – theres this guy who used to be at this college whos a pathological liar, hes claimed to have slept with people here, that hes a songwriter, that he has cancer, created fake bebo profiles for cousins and friends who dont exist. Happened upon his latest lie on facebook the other day – claiming to write music for a band called Rediscover. Obviously its not going to be true but I do like to check these things – cos theyr an unsigned myspace band they have an email contact right there on the website. I email that address asking who writes their songs and that theres a guy on facebook claiming he does. I get a pretty quick email back confirming a guy called Wes is actually their songwriter - not facebook guy - and asking for a link to the liars page. Of course I give them this and just in case they cant view it I copy paste the bit on the page where he claims this is the band he writes for and gives his bebo. I seriously lol at the idea that he might get an email from the band going 'what the fuck?' right – im gonna have another go at writing a CV, lurk on vampirefreaks and think about packing.

eeeek 5/6 weeks and i need to find somewhere to live!

franticaly searching for somewhere to live after this. college breaks up on 19 june and i guess im gonna have to move all my stuff into storage. which of course sucks as moving van and storage will swallow all my money. have applied for one residential volunteer postition already and am applying for another now. have posted on gumtree looking for a residential job and replied to somone who has a job over the summer cleaning on a carvan park which apparently has accomodation included. thats in the borders which isnt what i was hoping for. i was so set ong getting to glasgow this summer. i know where i want to be and where i want to settl down so its hugely frustrating that everything i do seems t take me futher and further from that. have applied for a new bank account to get an ovedraft as well. really clutching at straws here. its been a bad week so far (and its only wednesday) went to maths yesterday afternoon only to find out the computer monitor i need to see whats happening on the board hadnt been set up so i had no way of following the class and the maths tutor didnt have the maths handout from last week for me so i didnt have any work to do. that was daft cos im the only person in my class that uses large print so that means he didnt have the hand out for me last week so there wouldnt have been much point in me being there last week either. he was so damn patronising about it too cos he knows we wont say shit with the entire class staring at us. well 2 of us walked out. some dick in the class made some comment about 'spitting out dummys' - annoying, ignorant wanker. same guy who's been hassling me since the first month about my attendance, keeping a close eye on exactly which classes im there for, giving me shit about taking up learning support time and making jokes and comments about me being blind. i mean really what kind of dick thinks its cool to make jokes about stuff like that? nasty little bully. he knows it gets to me and really seems to enjoy that. i havent dared book an appointment with lerning support in months cos i know il get shit for it.

oh what an up and down day

I get up for a 9am communications class (thumbs down) to be told I didnt need to be there this week (thumbs up) so went back to bed and had a strange dream about the college not being able to afford electricity. Couldnt have lunch today as there was roast pork – which I cant even be in the same room as (thumbs down) but dinner was really nice chicken (thumbs up) big thumbs down though as I got turned down for even any discussion of why I cant just cook for myself. They just keep saying the same things 'its in the rules' have you read your student handbook' you should have told us at the beginning of the year' when I pointed out I had they said 'well that was a year ago'. Hugely frustrating. God knows who's best interests this college has at heart but it sure as hell ain't the students! Urgh and that communications tutor (who unfortunately is also my guidance tutor) keeps suggesting I'm lying about everything I say thats remotely negative, she was saying today that I 'just don't want to pay' – well of course I dont want to pay for food I'm not eating! This is the same woman who every problem iv had with this college (and theres been a lot) has just gone 'I dont believe that happens here' or 'I dont believe that can be true' when I confessed I was struggling with a class. *takes deep calming breaths* 7 weeks to go. Though miracles could happen and I could get an immediate CSV placement – oh to escape now! Dont care if I get any qualification – just want this to be over.

food glorious food

the food at this college is pretty bad and iv always eaten as little of it as possible which has always kinda sucked cos i am paying for it then i go out to tesco and buy more so i have something real to eat. so i figured it would make sense if the college would agree to seperate my fees for room and for food and i could ditch the canteen altogether. found out today that they wont which sucks cos i dont have enough money to pay for both food i dont eat and food i do. i cant eat beef, mutton or most pig products (bacon and sausages are alright) the smell of any roast meat except chicken or turkey makes me throw up. cant stand gravy, onions, mushrooms, sprouts, tunips, cabbage, hate white sliced bread, any soup thats not tomato, theres a bunch more but i usually forget about them until theyr in front of me. oooh and never peel an orange in front of me, the smell makes me throw up. im pretty much a nightmare to cook for. i tried not making a big deal out of it when i started here but today the only thing i could eat was 1 bowl of cereal and a cucumber and mayo sandwhich with coleslaw. that will eb my entire food consumption for the day if i dont go to tesco. it sucks. i hate being hungry, makes me dizzy and headachey.

havent made it to a single class

having a strange day. woke up to my alarm at 8.30 this morning but was so tired i couldnt move, i couldnt even summon the energy to switch off the alarm and left it to run for ages. fell back asleep until 4pm when squeeky girls on my floor woke me up coming back from class. as i type im missing maths but its like even the air is heavy, dont know whats wrong with me today. hope im not coming down with anything. really need to be well enough to go to interviews and do all the things that need to be done for when i move out of here. not the time to be tired. iv gotta get up and find something to eat.

my new home

switching away from bebo to find a proper home for my whinging. okay so catch up - my names aileen, im 21 and im living in a little town near edinburgh in the residential building of a crappy college. well until june 19th i am anyway. on that day my course here ends and im to be homeless. iv applied for a residential placement as a carer for a voluntary organisation called CSV but really worried im not gonna get anything. if not i have to apply to the council as homeless. last time i tried that here they were so agressive they actually made me cry. on top of all that im really broke as all i have is my DLA money and iv just had to buy a laptop after the one i had been borrowing from the college got broken and the college refused to lend me another one. laptop access is kinda important to me as i have really crappy eyesight and can barely read normal print. my handwriting is a bit all over the place and pretty much unreadable so i couldnt take notes and of course i couldnt see any of the powerpoint presentations the tutors use in class so it pretty much sucked. i hated being so left out of class without a laptop. the college said they would set up a pc in classrooms instead but that seemed daft. i mean there would have to be one in every classroom and theyr pretty cramped as it is - would have felt like a bit of an idiot as well. hate a big deal being made of the whole crappy vision thing. just want to deal with it as sensibly and quietly as possible. seems to be a bit of a problem with this place - they make a huge deal of everything and always manage to make me feel like a freak for having a couple of special requests. its all a bit frustrating but soon it will all be over. i am zen